I Used To Hate My Name And Here’s Why

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What’s the worst of being a new-born baby is you don’t have power to deny the name your parents has given to you and that sucks.

Growing up as an elementary school student, I had abundant interaction with diverse type of friend, from my classmate, senior, junior, course mate, neighbor, my sibling’s friend, until my mother’s acquaintance’s child who was approximately at the same age as me. We did play a lot at the moment. Going to my friend’s house was just like another mandatory activity aside of going to school, and thus we did a lot of different thing every day. We might as well do silly things such as playing whatever we wished to that we possibly built our own game by maximizing the usage of very minimum tools provided (we bought a lot of things that eventually wasn’t used as frequent as we thought. A natural kid behavior), or sometimes we talked about everything we didn’t know which turned out it’s basically an adult thing (don’t get me wrong. We had no idea whatsoever because we’re just kids.). Also, as a kid, I didn’t know why I was quite sassy at that time. I ever played games and open files of my friend’s mom’s phone twice when I was at the age of approximately 5 or 6 and when I was around 3rd grade. And yes, all those kid behaviors I named before always resulting nags and anger from my mother. My mother always made me feel like I was in the edge of the world, fully clothed by disgrace while unable to look for an escape way. In the present time, I think it’s just totally shame for me making those mistakes.

Moreover, I was also the type of student who feared of everything. My personality which was too naive casually led me to be the object of anger from my friend. Once I made mistake, she wouldn’t want to befriend with me until God knows when. I used to be her ‘maid’ who’s willing to get ordered anytime. I obeyed her order to get her snack or something else that I actually didn’t want to do but I would die if I didn’t do so. There were tons of fault and accident that I made when I was with her such as got her the wrong snack, accidentally spilled out her freshly-made Mie Gelas, befriended with someone she didn’t like, or even unnamed mistake that eventually, unbeknownst to me, turned her anger on. I hate the way she just casually added my name in every sweet coax to other friends, telling that they shouldn’t befriend with me because I made many mistakes. Sometimes, I also didn’t like to listen to her not-so-good-to-be-heard grumbles such as

“Bella sih!”

“Ya gara-gara lu, bel!”

“Gimana sih bel?”

“Lu kok nggak bener gitu sih, bel?”

Whenever she added my first name or nickname within her speech, it’s just a doomsday. It felt like what I had done meant nothing to her or even to everyone. This also just felt the same when anyone else did this to me, like my mother who kept nagging me for my countless fault during my days as a kid. And thus, I really hate my name because I did a lot of faux pas.

It feels like my name isn’t actually reciprocal with the way I behave; my name means ‘beautiful’, yet the beautiful thing in myself is sadly nowhere to be found, not even in the face that I wished at least it could boost my self-confidence.

And thus, I really hate my name because I did a lot of faux pas.

In fact, this hating-my-name problem also made me reluctant to even say my name. When somebody started to ask my name, with the lowest voice as possible, I would mention my nickname. It’s even disgusting to say my name through my mouth because the name per se isn’t as good as the person who owns it. Every time it came to the tip of my tongue, my mind abruptly popped out a thought that the owner of this name shouldn’t make million mistakes like me. And this also made me hate to write down my name too.

Sounds too much? As a kid, it didn’t.

The trajectories of love-hate relationship with my name has taken very long way until I’m able to embrace it wholly. I don’t think I have done extreme self-loving method which usually tries to send positive thought with its legendary jargon such as “you’re worth” “you’re beautiful” “you’re limited edition” “you’re people’s treasure” and any other “you’re” attached by some other good adjectives afterwards. I started to love my name when I was in high school, and I don’t think I knew self-acceptance concept at that time. So, what basically shaped me to accept my name? I don’t know precisely, but I think I have done virtues which is able to attract people’s attention. Therefore, I always hear good things with my nickname added at the last speech. But I still cannot figure out the exact reason behind this because it just naturally came to me. It’s very much like…self-winding, it’s just flowing by itself as the time goes by.

Now, I am no longer take my name as a burden. I think my name just suits me well though I have no idea which part it suits best in myself. Whenever people call out my name, I do like it (except they calling out to ask my ongoing appointment that has yet done).